I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

My mate told me that he was pulling off his boxers before going to bed, when his Mrs said, 'you spoil those dogs'.

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you know why communists only drink fake tea?


























because everyone knows all proper tea is theft

MURDER AT TESCO STORE

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck
in an unhappy marriage, a young husband
decided to solve both problems by
taking out a large insurance policy on his wife
with himself as the beneficiary
and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with
a nefarious dark-side underworld figure
who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie explained to the husband that his going price
for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.


The Husband said he was willing to pay
that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash
on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front,
so the man opened his wallet,
displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed
to accept the pound as down payment
for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife
to the local Tesco supermarket.
There, he surprised her in the produce department
and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath
and slumped to the floor,
the manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind,
Artie had no choice
but to strangle the produce manager as well.


However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras
and observed by the shop's security guard,
who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested
before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station,
Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,
including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband
who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this.........)







'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

Oh, stop groaning! I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends
and then send it on to you...!!!

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've
seen it all before.
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out ."

I said, "I think my dïck tastes funny..."