Barry walks into a bar in canada
He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it
"A moose" replied the bartender
"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said Barry.
Why do Barry and other Scots sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password? Because they Kenny Loggin.
I asked the shop assistant where they keep all the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures. He said Aisle B, back.
What do you call a depressed terminator? Sigh borg.
comment by Inbefore (U20589)
posted 20 minutes ago
What do you call a depressed terminator? Sigh borg.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Good mates with Marvin the paranoid android i daresay
comment by Inbefore (U20589)
posted 41 minutes ago
What do you call a depressed terminator? Sigh borg.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
That's a good un
I was thinking to myself, why does a milking stool only have three legs? Then I realised... the cow has the udder.
If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.
I bought a limousine but I couldn't afford a driver. All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
comment by Pun (a.k.a Piranha) (U21588)
posted 17 minutes ago
Inbefore on a roll
----------------------------------------------------------------------
ok one last one
I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags, but Tetleys, Twinings, PG tips, Yorkshire tea etc have taken out restraining orders against me.
A man catches his wife cheating on him, so he hires an assassin that charges £10k per bullet.
They go to the hotel where his wife is cheating, and setup on the roof of the opposite building with a clear view of the room.
The man says, "I'll pay you £20k. Shoot my wife in the head and shoot him in the dick."
The assassin sets up his sniper rifle, gets into position and sets up a clear shot. But he waits, and waits, and waits.
The man, getting impatient, says, "Are you gonna do it or what?"
The assassin says, "Patience, my friend. I might be able to save you ten grand."
comment by Pun (a.k.a Piranha) (U21588)
posted about 17 hours ago
comment by Inbefore (U20589)
posted 41 minutes ago
What do you call a depressed terminator? Sigh borg.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
That's a good un
----------------------------------------------------------------------
4za might even get it.
comment by Pun (a.k.a Piranha) (U21588)
posted about 15 hours ago
A man catches his wife cheating on him, so he hires an assassin that charges £10k per bullet.
They go to the hotel where his wife is cheating, and setup on the roof of the opposite building with a clear view of the room.
The man says, "I'll pay you £20k. Shoot my wife in the head and shoot him in the dick."
The assassin sets up his sniper rifle, gets into position and sets up a clear shot. But he waits, and waits, and waits.
The man, getting impatient, says, "Are you gonna do it or what?"
The assassin says, "Patience, my friend. I might be able to save you ten grand."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What a nice hitman
comment by Pun (a.k.a Piranha) (U21588)
posted 15 hours, 7 minutes ago
A man catches his wife cheating on him, so he hires an assassin that charges £10k per bullet.
They go to the hotel where his wife is cheating, and setup on the roof of the opposite building with a clear view of the room.
The man says, "I'll pay you £20k. Shoot my wife in the head and shoot him in the dick."
The assassin sets up his sniper rifle, gets into position and sets up a clear shot. But he waits, and waits, and waits.
The man, getting impatient, says, "Are you gonna do it or what?"
The assassin says, "Patience, my friend. I might be able to save you ten grand."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lost an argument tonight with a guy in the pub who said he was a big pop star in the ‘80s. We didn’t believe him, but he was adamant.
"I'll have to hang up", I said, "there's somebody at the door."
"What do you what?" I asked the policeman as I wound down the window.
Today I surprised my postman by opening the door completely naked. I don't know what part shocked him the most: The nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
No matter how enraged Germaine Greer gets, she’ll never be as irate as her sister, Anne.
comment by Inbefore (U20589)
posted 39 minutes ago
Today I surprised my postman by opening the door completely naked. I don't know what part shocked him the most: The nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ooh i like that one
Punny...how can you not like SS ?
https://x.com/sydneyfiles/status/1844030389070999649
comment by Peks - Comanche Moon (U6618)
posted 7 minutes ago
Punny...how can you not like SS ?
https://x.com/sydneyfiles/status/1844030389070999649
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cause I'm looking at her droopy eyes not her orbs
What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor? Pretty Sir Eel.
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OnlyPuns (and other jokes)
Page 266 of 278
267 | 268 | 269 | 270 | 271
posted on 8/10/24
Barry walks into a bar in canada
He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it
"A moose" replied the bartender
"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said Barry.
posted on 8/10/24
Why do Barry and other Scots sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password? Because they Kenny Loggin.
posted on 8/10/24
I asked the shop assistant where they keep all the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures. He said Aisle B, back.
posted on 8/10/24
What do you call a depressed terminator? Sigh borg.
posted on 8/10/24
comment by Inbefore (U20589)
posted 20 minutes ago
What do you call a depressed terminator? Sigh borg.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Good mates with Marvin the paranoid android i daresay
posted on 8/10/24
comment by Inbefore (U20589)
posted 41 minutes ago
What do you call a depressed terminator? Sigh borg.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
That's a good un
posted on 8/10/24
I was thinking to myself, why does a milking stool only have three legs? Then I realised... the cow has the udder.
posted on 8/10/24
If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.
posted on 8/10/24
I bought a limousine but I couldn't afford a driver. All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
posted on 8/10/24
Inbefore on a roll
posted on 8/10/24
comment by Pun (a.k.a Piranha) (U21588)
posted 17 minutes ago
Inbefore on a roll
----------------------------------------------------------------------
ok one last one
I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags, but Tetleys, Twinings, PG tips, Yorkshire tea etc have taken out restraining orders against me.
posted on 8/10/24
nooo don't go
posted on 8/10/24
A man catches his wife cheating on him, so he hires an assassin that charges £10k per bullet.
They go to the hotel where his wife is cheating, and setup on the roof of the opposite building with a clear view of the room.
The man says, "I'll pay you £20k. Shoot my wife in the head and shoot him in the dick."
The assassin sets up his sniper rifle, gets into position and sets up a clear shot. But he waits, and waits, and waits.
The man, getting impatient, says, "Are you gonna do it or what?"
The assassin says, "Patience, my friend. I might be able to save you ten grand."
posted on 9/10/24
comment by Pun (a.k.a Piranha) (U21588)
posted about 17 hours ago
comment by Inbefore (U20589)
posted 41 minutes ago
What do you call a depressed terminator? Sigh borg.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
That's a good un
----------------------------------------------------------------------
4za might even get it.
posted on 9/10/24
comment by Pun (a.k.a Piranha) (U21588)
posted about 15 hours ago
A man catches his wife cheating on him, so he hires an assassin that charges £10k per bullet.
They go to the hotel where his wife is cheating, and setup on the roof of the opposite building with a clear view of the room.
The man says, "I'll pay you £20k. Shoot my wife in the head and shoot him in the dick."
The assassin sets up his sniper rifle, gets into position and sets up a clear shot. But he waits, and waits, and waits.
The man, getting impatient, says, "Are you gonna do it or what?"
The assassin says, "Patience, my friend. I might be able to save you ten grand."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What a nice hitman
posted on 9/10/24
comment by Pun (a.k.a Piranha) (U21588)
posted 15 hours, 7 minutes ago
A man catches his wife cheating on him, so he hires an assassin that charges £10k per bullet.
They go to the hotel where his wife is cheating, and setup on the roof of the opposite building with a clear view of the room.
The man says, "I'll pay you £20k. Shoot my wife in the head and shoot him in the dick."
The assassin sets up his sniper rifle, gets into position and sets up a clear shot. But he waits, and waits, and waits.
The man, getting impatient, says, "Are you gonna do it or what?"
The assassin says, "Patience, my friend. I might be able to save you ten grand."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
posted on 9/10/24
Lost an argument tonight with a guy in the pub who said he was a big pop star in the ‘80s. We didn’t believe him, but he was adamant.
posted on 9/10/24
"I'll have to hang up", I said, "there's somebody at the door."
"What do you what?" I asked the policeman as I wound down the window.
posted on 9/10/24
Today I surprised my postman by opening the door completely naked. I don't know what part shocked him the most: The nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
posted on 9/10/24
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
posted on 9/10/24
No matter how enraged Germaine Greer gets, she’ll never be as irate as her sister, Anne.
posted on 9/10/24
comment by Inbefore (U20589)
posted 39 minutes ago
Today I surprised my postman by opening the door completely naked. I don't know what part shocked him the most: The nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ooh i like that one
posted on 9/10/24
Punny...how can you not like SS ?
https://x.com/sydneyfiles/status/1844030389070999649
posted on 9/10/24
comment by Peks - Comanche Moon (U6618)
posted 7 minutes ago
Punny...how can you not like SS ?
https://x.com/sydneyfiles/status/1844030389070999649
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cause I'm looking at her droopy eyes not her orbs
posted on 9/10/24
What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor? Pretty Sir Eel.
Page 266 of 278
267 | 268 | 269 | 270 | 271