Bjorne Tore Kvarme - The Elk Sausage

“I was always socially awkward and I suppose my time at Liverpool only heightened this. Sure I liked the men, they were nice people. Neil Ruddock was funny and Tony Warner was great to me. I think the problem was I never really understood much of the British humour. It was great having Stig around but to be honest he always seemed more British than Norwegian – I guess he’d made the transition.

It was never an issue being on the outside because I’d come here to play football. That was my job and that’s what I was good at. I avoided most social situations but occasionally I’d have to show willing and attend. This was always a pain as I’d much rather have been at home with my partner filming our sequel to the Blair Witch Project. Instead I was stuck with oafs like Dominic Matteo and Steve Harkness.

I still remember that night well. It was our Christmas bash and we’d gone to some fancy restaurant in Chester. The men were jovial as ever but things were about to take a turn for the worse. As Dominic Matteo chomped into a sausage I turned to him and said “Dom, would you care to try the elk sausage?" A polite enquiry (or so I thought). Instantly I was grabbed by Steve Harkness who pinned me to the wall, Dominic Matteo right in my face and Rob Jones with a fork to my genitals. I was so shocked I didn’t know how to react. “Elk f%$*ing sausage?!!" they all screamed. “What are we the Moose Patrol?" I was nervous. Sweating all over. Rob Jones poised to do damage at any minute. “I’ll show you elk sausage," he yelled, pushing the fork dangerously close. “But...but...I like the elk sausage," I stuttered. My dreams of having another child ended that night. Mentioning the elk sausage was something I hugely regret."

Contribute to Bjorn Tore Kvarme’s ‘Elk Sausage Foundation’ by visiting the website elksausagefoundation.com.