Friday Joke thread!!

Jukebox

My birds is like a slinky, no of any real use but its funny to kick her down the stairs!

It was nice to see the crowd at Wimbledon give Andy Murray a round of applause after he lost the mens final and was reduced to tears.

The British public sure know how to back people that have lost something, Murray, Gazza, the McCanns.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a bike with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breests.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fcuks her right there, in front of
her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts "All right, that's enough, I'll do the bloody dishes!"

jesus christobal that was a long one <thoughtihadnarcolepsy>

Jesus Cristobal
I might change my name to that.

hahahahaha do it!!!

INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.