With all the doom & gloom around not just on here but also some other boards, I just thought I would lighten the mood up a bit!
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husbands temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does fa ck all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
Tuesday Laugh
posted on 4/9/12
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room,
"Please come fast, I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel"
The Manager replied, "Sir that's a personal matter"
Husband replies, "Like hell it is, the window won't open, so that's a manitenance matter!"
posted on 4/9/12
Young man meets his girlfriend's parents for the first time. The Dad pulls him to one side and whispers, 'you seem like a nice young man, but if you hurt my daughter, you'll have me to answer to'
'Oh there's no chance of that' he replies, 'I've got a small todger and she's got a f<nny like a hippo's yawn'
posted on 4/9/12
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something new and shiny that goes from 0 to
150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her bathroom scales.
posted on 4/9/12
you know how you catch a bra?
with a booby trap
posted on 4/9/12
Woman is enduring a long and drawn out labour.
She immediately passes out upon finally giving birth.
When she comes round, the doctor is standing over hear and says 'I've got some good news, and some bad news'.
'the bad news is your child is ginger'.
'the good news it is dead....'
posted on 4/9/12
Genius of Numpty
posted on 4/9/12
100mtr final for people with Tourette's
On you marks.
Get set.
Fcuck off
posted on 4/9/12
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'
'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea. 'So, what are you and Sue planning to do tonight?' she asked. 'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Wimpy Bar, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Sue likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the
kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the Twist!
posted on 4/9/12
Jesus and Saint Peter are playing golf. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f!%k around?"
posted on 4/9/12
"Excuse me mate, How do you get to the City of Manchester Stadium? - Local "That's easy...Just have a few good seasons for Arsenal"