I just thought I would lighten the mood up a bit
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Fire away then

Did not say I could lighten up the darkness that is Scottish Football though!

Now that's funny

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely < s**t >my pants".

Old lady goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, I'm very worried, because I've got a lot of wind lately, but my farts don't smell or make any noise at all. In fact, I've already let rip twice since I came in. Do you think this could be serious?"
The doctor reassures her telling her it's a common problem, prescribes her some pills and tells her to go back in two weeks' time.
Two weeks later the old lady returns:
"Well doctor, those pills worked a treat, my farts are really loud now...but they still don't smell."
Doctors says:
"Well that's your hearing sorted, now let's see what we can do about your sense of smell."

On July 9th 2012, a group of bikers from Liverpool were riding south on the M6 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Thelwall Viaduct.
So they stopped.

Paul Murray, their leader, a short fat man of 57, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Motorway Police, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, Paul gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Police, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting.

You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Sandros Right Foot # 36,( AVB Has Ginger Pubes ) ! (U14393)

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quality

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


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comment by кαвσσм!! нєу ι נυѕt мєt уσυ, αn∂ tнιѕ ιѕ cяαzууу, bυt fυcкcк σff мσ∂яιc, ωє gσt deмвele! (U6961)
posted 4 minutes ago

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
--

Not a joke, but reminded me of this classic photo:

http://www.oddee.com/_media/imgs/contrib/c1345.jpg

I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.

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Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. Typical, all the windows are boarded up and some nicked all the chocolate.

Some people ask me the secret of why my wife and I have a long and successful marriage. I reply that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

West Ham United are interested in buying the Olympic ready Dorney Lake in Eton after their botched attempt to secure the Olympic Stadium. Club chairman David Gold insists that whilst playing in water could be a pretty big obstacle, he also maintained that with Sam Allardyce at the helm, the ball rarely stays on the ground anyway.

Man answers the door to a sonbre faced Policeman who shows him a picture of a woman.
'Is this your wife?' the Policeman asks.
'Yes' the man replies.
'Well, I'm sorry to have to say this, but it looks like she's been in an accident'
'Oh I know' the man replies, 'but she's got a great personality'

^ ^

sombre

i was invited round to my girlfriend's house the other day, but when i knocked on the door it was her rather sexy elder sister who answered, kitted out in very little and who started whispering sweet things in my ear, suggesting we head upstairs together

i immediately go outside where i'm met by my ecstatic girlfriend who hugs and thanks me for my loyalty and devotion to her

moral of the story? always keep your condoms in your car

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.