The ins and outs of who's in and who's out

So as January trickles to an end and carries with her a transfer window of unbearable mediocrity, I feel it is my duty to share my opinions on how the tinkerman has tinkered

Here is the list of the names to join and depart our Doug's club (providing the last minute rumours of Dani Alves joining and Henrick Pederson climbing out his pyjamas to play again turn out to be a pack of lies. Or that I forget names and omit them to save face. Which I will)

IN

Craig Davies
A great addition to a department we have recently been lacking in. With our Mark still getting fixed in the shop and Kev slowly but surely clambering towards his expiration date like a student to a protest, our Craig will fill the Davies void like a mouse to a mouse trap. unfortunately, I don't know much about his footballing ability, and it doesn't matter because we have Marvin Sordell. He's great and should always start. Just ask TRR.

Jan Gregus.
Between setting the Croatian league alight and yielding the great honour of having Slovakia U-21 captaincy, Jan Gregus, 22 year old playmaker, wears shirts with stripes and looks very, very young. One for the development squad. I hear they're doing well.

Craig Dawson
Since we lost our imperial status as premier league heroes, we can no longer mature the minions of the countries best clubs. Now, as championship sewer rats, we have to suffice with catering to the slightly-better-than-mid-table giants West Brom. Again, I have never seen Craig number 2 play. I hear he's quite good, but many better men have tried and failed to break into the team over Zat Knight, and I cant see CD do that, he's well too short.

Mohamed Kamara
heard he's alright as well. Mind you im seeing a pattern here. All these signings are meant to be really good, at least that's what our Doug wants us to think. I've never seen our Doug and 'Medo' in the same room. Go away, we don't want you, one Freedman is enough.

De Ridder
He did well with the Saints in their promotion push, but we are not saints. We're mean, horrible, ugly monsters amongst men. Can't see him starting once, Gregg wylde will be a force to reckon with come May.


OUT

Martin Petrov
Well, I liked him. suppose we had to make room for the Wylde man to flourish. Everyone knows Scotland is the Bulgaria of Europe.

Benik Afobe
He had a name with a million puns to be made of it. For that, he will be missed. May the force be with you, Obi Wan Adobe Photoshop