Handy Guide to: Burnley FC

Surfing tinterwebway for any other tales of sporting underachievement in Kuwait, I was amazed to discover that the next lucky recipients of The Mighty Rams Footballing Superstars Roadshow are fans of some club called “Burnley FC".

As something of an officiando of the beautiful game, I was somewhat taken aback as I had never previously heard of this footballing minnow. Curiosity piqued, I set gleaning what I could about Saturday’s victims, listing my findings below such that you may amaze your friends down at the pub.

Here we are then:

Burnley Football Club “The Clarets" were formed somewhat prematurely in 1882 in readiness of the birth of football two years later. They were founder members of the Football League alongside some famous clubs.

Their home ground since 1883, Turf Moor, has a capacity of 22,546. There are tentative plans to increase the capacity ‘next time we’re in the Premier League’ but by then it is expected matches will be beamed telepathically to subscribers in the comfort of their own space capsule orbiting Earth. Even so, that would still have more atmosphere than Turf Moor.

Gravel-voiced hatchet man Sean Dyche is Clarets’ manager this season, replacing Eddie Howe who had to return to Bournemouth before the streetlights came on or else his mum would've grounded him. Dyche started his playing career at Nottingham Forest before stepping up a level and signing for Chesterfield. Having coached at Watford under Malky Mackay, Dyche took over the Hornets’ hotseat before being inexplicably dumped by the new owners in favour of Gianfranco Zola.

Burnley actually have won the league twice, in 1921 and 1960, the latter being secured with a last-game victory at Man City which saw The Clarets hit the top for the first time that season. They are one of only three clubs to have won all four divisions, along with PNE and Wolves.

When Burnley fluked the FA Cup in 1914, they were the first to receive the trophy from a reigning monarch, King George V. It is thought the workshy and irresponsible behaviour of George’s son, Edward VIII, including abdicating the throne, was copied from the travelling Burnley support.

In 1900, Burnley ‘keeper Jack Hillman was suspended for one whole season after trying to bribe Nottingham Forest to lose against them. Fortunately this sort of thing has been stamped out of the modern game, with Forest now readily capitulating free-of-charge against whoever turns up to play them as they plummet down the league.

There were many who assumed selling Charlie Austin to QPR for £4m this summer would signal the end of Burnley’s Championship credentials; alas no. The Burnley production line of striking talent which had also spawned the likes of Jay Rodriquez (£7m to Saints, 2012) now has Danny Ings and Sam Vokes, with 19 and 17 goals each respectively.

Lee Grant, Derby Legend and former Burnley shot-stopper, will be looking for his fourth clean sheet on the spin at the ground where he was named fans Player Of The Year last season.

Another player aiming to shine against his former employers will be Jason Shackell, captain, defensive rock and ladies’ man. Highly regarded by Rams fans who were perplexed by his departure, Le Shaq was runner-up to Peabo for the Jack Stamps PoTY award.

Another notable ex-player of both clubs is Tyrone Mears, International rightback and world-renowned escapologist. As is his modus operandi, Mears was quick to quit the club after relegation, joining his ex-manager Coyle at Bolton Wanderers where he unfortunately broke his leg in training. Bolton are desperate to be rid of Mears and have even offered to pay Blackpool to take him but the player has resisted all attempts to remove him... try leaving a window ajar, Dougie

Majority shareholder and Joint Chairman of Burnley is Mike Garlick, a local-lad made good who has an IT business with a £75m turnover worldwide... not to be sniffed at.

Famous folk from Burnley include:
Jim Bowen, Super Smashing Great host of Bullseye
John Kettley, who is a weatherman. As is Michael Fish.
Malcolm Hebden, who plays Norris Cole on that soap that your wife likes.

Famous fans of the Club include:
Alistair Campbell, professional liar and Nu Labour apologist
Zak Dingle, who portrays a typical Burnleyite on that other soap your wife likes.
HRH Prince Charles, Plant Whisperer and Di-Slayer extraordinaire.

Factual Fact submitted by Richmond Rams (RIP ) last time out: Ted “Tin Man" McMinn finished his professional career with a two year spell at Burnley before playing on for beer tokens in Australia and then, err, Slough.. little bit diverse!!

That’s all the info tinterwebs have on Saturday’s oppo; does anyone else have any interesting factual facts to enlighten us with? I’m not even sure if their fan logs onto 606 anymore...