Thursday Joke Time

VanDerBale

Now to go to Tesco's.....

Arti was a real loser. Every job and every idea he ever had turned out wrong. He thought to himself, if I went into business for myself, maybe, just maybe I can do well. He thought and he thought, what could he do. It came to him, he would be a hit man.

The next day he put a classified ad in the newspaper reading, "I am Arti, I will be your hit man. Give me a call and I will kill anyone you want rubbed out."

Well that very day Arti receives his first call. The caller asks if it were true that Arti would indeed kill anyone and Arti assured him that was the case.

The man told Arti he wanted his wife killed. Arti said, "Fine, but how much will you pay me?"

The man replied, "Two quid."

Arti said, "No way, bullets cost more than that."

The man replied, "Look, take it or leave it. Many people would kill my wife for free, but I don't want to be obligated."

Arti thought it over and figured he could use the practice so he said, "OK, tell me about your wife, how can I find her?"

The man said, "In the produce department at Tesco, every day at four o'clock she is there. She wears a yellow outfit and is always complaining about something."

Arti decides that he will go there and choke her. At least he will save himself the cost of bullets. Sure enough, she is in the produce department of Tesco complaining about the fruit being either too hard or too soft.

Arti reaches behind her and chokes her. As she falls to the floor, she gasps. The manager of the produce department turns around and sees what has happened and calls out. Arti lunges towards the manager and chokes him.

Just as the manager falls to the floor, a lady sees what has happened and screams out. Arti grabs and chokes her before running out of the supermarket.

He is captured a block away. The next day, the headline of the local paper reads:

ARTI CHOKES THREE FOR TWO POUNDS AT TESCO

Haha I'll try and find some 'sweet and light' one's for you later

4 days

LITTLE Johnny's neighbours had a baby, but he was born without ears.… Johnny and his mum and dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its missing ears or he would get a spanking. Johnny looked in the cot and said "What a lovely baby. How's his eyesight?" The baby's mother said it was perfect.  Johnny replied "That's great 'cos he'd be f ****d if he needed glasses!

!

 Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.  "I'm a professional.  In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever  seen.
Its length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said.  "I don't know what came over me.  On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.  
She ran out of the room.

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord… "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically.
" I only wish it was that" continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that. The little b*****d has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not"  said the man… 
"The little b****r's stuck a pin in all my condoms."

Comment Deleted by Site Moderator

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger in.… Now she's made a formal complaint, and I'm banned from the gym.