I thought the transfer windows was the joke!!!
Im starting to think that this actually happened greaves ?
A husband and wife are in bed when the husband starts caressing his wife’s breaasts, his hands then slowly drift down her stomach feeling her tenderly. With the other hand he starts groping her legs slowly but surely moving up her thigh until suddenly he stops. The wife says: “why did you stop, I was just getting into that?” to which the husband replies… “coz I found the remote you fat !”
RRP...................................To you RRP, really?
Whilst watching the news about the stricken cruise ship the other night, the reporter said 'she's lying on her side with a g<sh the size of a tennis court'.... I just glanced over at my wife and it all kicked off
greaves i am a gentleman! How very dare you
What's green and turns red in the flick of a switch?
A frog in a blender.
Son: Dad, my maths teacher yelled at me today!
Dad: Why?!
Son: My… teacher asked me what is 3 x 2, and I answered 6.
Dad: That's right!
Son: Then he asked me what is 2 x 3
Dad: WTF is the difference??
Son: That's what I said...
What's green and smells like pork ?
Kermits fingers
Dad gets home 2 find his 17yr old daughter with a pink d*ldo up her… b*m "What the hell r u doing?" He shouts "Well, u wont let me have a boyfriend, so this is my boyfriend substitute!" next night daughter gets home 2 find her dad drinking a can of beer with the pink d*ldo up HIS b*m "What the hell r U doing?.she shouts. He replies "Having a beer with ur boyfriend
greaves i am a gentleman! How very dare you
Aha! Thats where you are going wrong RRP!!
Paddy and murphy are racing up a hill , paddy says if i get there 1st… i'm gonna write my name , murphy says if i get there 1st , i'm gonna rub it out!
I prefer all the kids jokes that are sweet and light
greaves
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
VanDerBale
Now to go to Tesco's.....
Arti was a real loser. Every job and every idea he ever had turned out wrong. He thought to himself, if I went into business for myself, maybe, just maybe I can do well. He thought and he thought, what could he do. It came to him, he would be a hit man.
The next day he put a classified ad in the newspaper reading, "I am Arti, I will be your hit man. Give me a call and I will kill anyone you want rubbed out."
Well that very day Arti receives his first call. The caller asks if it were true that Arti would indeed kill anyone and Arti assured him that was the case.
The man told Arti he wanted his wife killed. Arti said, "Fine, but how much will you pay me?"
The man replied, "Two quid."
Arti said, "No way, bullets cost more than that."
The man replied, "Look, take it or leave it. Many people would kill my wife for free, but I don't want to be obligated."
Arti thought it over and figured he could use the practice so he said, "OK, tell me about your wife, how can I find her?"
The man said, "In the produce department at Tesco, every day at four o'clock she is there. She wears a yellow outfit and is always complaining about something."
Arti decides that he will go there and choke her. At least he will save himself the cost of bullets. Sure enough, she is in the produce department of Tesco complaining about the fruit being either too hard or too soft.
Arti reaches behind her and chokes her. As she falls to the floor, she gasps. The manager of the produce department turns around and sees what has happened and calls out. Arti lunges towards the manager and chokes him.
Just as the manager falls to the floor, a lady sees what has happened and screams out. Arti grabs and chokes her before running out of the supermarket.
He is captured a block away. The next day, the headline of the local paper reads:
ARTI CHOKES THREE FOR TWO POUNDS AT TESCO
Haha I'll try and find some 'sweet and light' one's for you later
LITTLE Johnny's neighbours had a baby, but he was born without ears.… Johnny and his mum and dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its missing ears or he would get a spanking. Johnny looked in the cot and said "What a lovely baby. How's his eyesight?" The baby's mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied "That's great 'cos he'd be f ****d if he needed glasses!
Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
Its length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord… "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically.
" I only wish it was that" continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that. The little b*****d has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not" said the man…
"The little b****r's stuck a pin in all my condoms."
Comment deleted by Site Moderator
I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger in.… Now she's made a formal complaint, and I'm banned from the gym.
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Thursday Joke Time
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posted on 19/1/12
posted on 19/1/12
I thought the transfer windows was the joke!!!
posted on 19/1/12
Im starting to think that this actually happened greaves ?
posted on 19/1/12
A husband and wife are in bed when the husband starts caressing his wife’s breaasts, his hands then slowly drift down her stomach feeling her tenderly. With the other hand he starts groping her legs slowly but surely moving up her thigh until suddenly he stops. The wife says: “why did you stop, I was just getting into that?” to which the husband replies… “coz I found the remote you fat !”
posted on 19/1/12
RRP...................................To you RRP, really?
posted on 19/1/12
Whilst watching the news about the stricken cruise ship the other night, the reporter said 'she's lying on her side with a g<sh the size of a tennis court'.... I just glanced over at my wife and it all kicked off
posted on 19/1/12
greaves i am a gentleman! How very dare you
posted on 19/1/12
What's green and turns red in the flick of a switch?
A frog in a blender.
posted on 19/1/12
Son: Dad, my maths teacher yelled at me today!
Dad: Why?!
Son: My… teacher asked me what is 3 x 2, and I answered 6.
Dad: That's right!
Son: Then he asked me what is 2 x 3
Dad: WTF is the difference??
Son: That's what I said...
posted on 19/1/12
What's green and smells like pork ?
Kermits fingers
posted on 19/1/12
Dad gets home 2 find his 17yr old daughter with a pink d*ldo up her… b*m "What the hell r u doing?" He shouts "Well, u wont let me have a boyfriend, so this is my boyfriend substitute!" next night daughter gets home 2 find her dad drinking a can of beer with the pink d*ldo up HIS b*m "What the hell r U doing?.she shouts. He replies "Having a beer with ur boyfriend
posted on 19/1/12
greaves i am a gentleman! How very dare you
Aha! Thats where you are going wrong RRP!!
posted on 19/1/12
Paddy and murphy are racing up a hill , paddy says if i get there 1st… i'm gonna write my name , murphy says if i get there 1st , i'm gonna rub it out!
posted on 19/1/12
I prefer all the kids jokes that are sweet and light
greaves
posted on 19/1/12
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
posted on 19/1/12
VanDerBale
Now to go to Tesco's.....
posted on 19/1/12
Arti was a real loser. Every job and every idea he ever had turned out wrong. He thought to himself, if I went into business for myself, maybe, just maybe I can do well. He thought and he thought, what could he do. It came to him, he would be a hit man.
The next day he put a classified ad in the newspaper reading, "I am Arti, I will be your hit man. Give me a call and I will kill anyone you want rubbed out."
Well that very day Arti receives his first call. The caller asks if it were true that Arti would indeed kill anyone and Arti assured him that was the case.
The man told Arti he wanted his wife killed. Arti said, "Fine, but how much will you pay me?"
The man replied, "Two quid."
Arti said, "No way, bullets cost more than that."
The man replied, "Look, take it or leave it. Many people would kill my wife for free, but I don't want to be obligated."
Arti thought it over and figured he could use the practice so he said, "OK, tell me about your wife, how can I find her?"
The man said, "In the produce department at Tesco, every day at four o'clock she is there. She wears a yellow outfit and is always complaining about something."
Arti decides that he will go there and choke her. At least he will save himself the cost of bullets. Sure enough, she is in the produce department of Tesco complaining about the fruit being either too hard or too soft.
Arti reaches behind her and chokes her. As she falls to the floor, she gasps. The manager of the produce department turns around and sees what has happened and calls out. Arti lunges towards the manager and chokes him.
Just as the manager falls to the floor, a lady sees what has happened and screams out. Arti grabs and chokes her before running out of the supermarket.
He is captured a block away. The next day, the headline of the local paper reads:
ARTI CHOKES THREE FOR TWO POUNDS AT TESCO
posted on 19/1/12
Haha I'll try and find some 'sweet and light' one's for you later
posted on 19/1/12
4 days
posted on 19/1/12
LITTLE Johnny's neighbours had a baby, but he was born without ears.… Johnny and his mum and dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its missing ears or he would get a spanking. Johnny looked in the cot and said "What a lovely baby. How's his eyesight?" The baby's mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied "That's great 'cos he'd be f ****d if he needed glasses!
posted on 19/1/12
!
posted on 19/1/12
Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
Its length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
posted on 19/1/12
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord… "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically.
" I only wish it was that" continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that. The little b*****d has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not" said the man…
"The little b****r's stuck a pin in all my condoms."
posted on 19/1/12
Comment deleted by Site Moderator
posted on 19/1/12
I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger in.… Now she's made a formal complaint, and I'm banned from the gym.
Page 1 of 1