Venison's dear, isn't it?

My wife said we need a new dishwasher
I said I know I've been eyeing up the baby sitter.

Tough game for Liverpool tomorrow.

Football.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my old man.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

Comment deleted by Site Moderator

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A man yesterday fulfilled his ambition by getting run over by a steam train.
Apparently he was chuffed to bits.

R#tarded boy walks up to an icecream van and asks for an icecream. Boy says ''Can i have an icecream?'' Man says '' Sure son, what flavour?'' R#tarded Boy says ''Doesnt matter, im only going to drop it anyway.''

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

it was my sons sports day today.
Afterwards some of the dads competed in a sack race. i won it easily.

They were jumping along in bin liners while i sprinted to the finish line with my balls out.

Comment deleted by Site Moderator

I went to the doctors the other day because I couldnt stop singing Green, green grass of home.


Doctor said Its not unusual.

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator

Q. What's the difference between your wages and your c ock?

A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your wages!

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

Dwarf Shortage

Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?

He got the sack!

"Give us an E, mate."

"I'm an undercover police officer."

"Errrrr...
Give me an N
Give me a G
Give me an L
Give me an A
Give me an N
Give me a D
Goooooo England!"

Got away with that one, I think

"Give us an E, mate."

"I'm an undercover police officer."

"Errrrr...
Give me an N
Give me a G
Give me an L
Give me an A
Give me an N
Give me a D
Goooooo England!"

Got away with that one, I think

========================================

tut tut tut tut tut tut

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?

It's for the Christmas period.

EB_WE_ARE_THE_PEOPLE (U9170)

Taxis booked

People are saying that calling 'female lines men' is offensive.

Agreed. I much prefer Flag-Slag anyway.

BiscansLegendLivesOn (U8031)

Why????????????????????

"What do we want?" A cure for Tourettes!
"When do we want it?" Cv@ts!

My dyslexic mate just text me "Theres been a death at an Army Warehouse somewhere in North London."

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!