Feeling drowsy? Take a nap. Your natural relaxation will cause your foot to ease on the accelerator and bring you to a slow, steady standstill.

The M25 is a perfect circle.

Or take lots and lots of cocaine. It will enhance your driving Heroin also works

Tiredness can kill, as can distracting and useless signs.

Using foglights in fog is a sign of weakness.

At any other time, it automatically makes you look cool.

To appear UBER cool, use fog-lights with sidelights. This is reserved for only the coolest of boy races.

Employ someone to drive you.

It's what my chauffeur does.

When approaching an oncoming car where there is an obstruction in the road, flashing your headlights means "I am coming through".

Slow down, flash twice and then accelerate.

The speed monitor is actually a monitor of your heart rate. Let it drop below 60 and you will die.

When driving through dodgy districts go very slowly and give lifts to scantily clad, ropey looking women. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice.

If you don't feel like your in The Cannonball Run you're not driving properly.

Pirate ships can be used as good cars. Just add wheels

Remember, if you crash your car, use the cheat codes to spawn another, faster car.

Waxing your legs will shave precious seconds from your personal best during time trials.

Whenever a song from any Need For Speed movie soundtrack comes on the radio, everybody must ignore all laws of the road and drive as fast and wrecklessly as possible.

if please ever stop you always ask "is it cause am black like" - this works really well if you are white

And even better if the cop is black.

If this is the case it is the only time that racism is acceptable. It will show the cop how great you are

If you come accross a street junction with a big round red sign with a white dash. You enter from that side and the minimum speed limit is 30mph, cars coming the other way driving less the 30 are breaking the law.

Trees can help you stop.

Roundabouts are only there to slow you down. Drive across them and shout at the driver you crash into.

The fronts of cars are designed to crumple for safety reasons. To avoid damaging your car, drive backwards wherever possible.

When passing a crash seen, ensure you slow right down so you can have a good look.

When changing lanes on the motorway, don't bother to indicate this will just confuse people who aren't used to seeing such things. Better still, just swerve into the lane you wish to occupy without looking - this is considered 'good driving'. Should anyone question this, just say you're avoiding the 'selfish people hogging the middle lane'.

Always get to the outside lane as soon as possible when entering a motorway, don't worry people will be expecting it and they'll move out your way. Similarily, when leaving the motorway, cross all lanes as quickly as possible - preferably without indicating or looking.

No garage is in use 24 hours, just fricking park in front of it.

The "Highway Code tattoo" isn't nearly as painful as some folk try to make out.