I got one, it's pretty shocking

Once, I was put clean through on goal by my teammate, and I missed. Embarassing or what!

After stopping playing for a long time (due to several reasons, injury, exams, etc), my comeback was pretty bad. Tried to control a ball with my chest and it hit my face

Was shocking and really bad. Someone who used to score from his own half and run a game.

I was once sexually assaulted by the linesman after questioning an offside decision.

i once bicycle kicked a ball into my face. not good.

Benze.......do one..

....the (OP) is tryin to have an off topic conversation during down time, (international week). So feck off.

On topic.....I once kicked my own laces whilst attempting a (Beckhamesque) free kick.....the ball rolled about 6 inches....
....needless to say....I feigned injury.

Almost knocked a female goalkeeper out with a beautifully struck volley in a charity match few years back.

Fair play she saved it <with her face>, but bloodied nose, the tears followed by a chorus of boo's is something I will never forget.

I don't think she could hear my apologies because of the booing.

Got cramp after 3 minutes of the game

Not kidding! Was only a 5-a-side thing, but I had to sit the whole thing out

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^ you tool.

"my balls dropped"

I think that is what gave away this story as a lie

Next

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Ball hit the post, bang smack off it straight into my face, and into our own net. Whoops.

Erm well 6 yards ot centre of goal, volleyed it, went to corner flag.

That was 7 aside.
But thats nothing compared to the rest of my mishaps.

Got cramp after 3 minutes of the game
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That's hilarious lol

This is real, when I played at school for the third team we were so shockingly bad the following things happened.

- Our captain once started crying when he was substituted.

- We scored from a throw in, our rugby mad South African 'manager' who was referee didn't know the rules and let the goal stand. We scored 4 goals all season, the throw in included.

- I was given a yellow card for literally karate chopping a more skillful player who beat me.

- We once played against all wearing tracksuit bottoms and 5 of them were wearing glasses, we lost.

Turned up for a pre-season friendly against a rival village, only to find out we'd both arrived with very similar kit. We managed to borrow a set of bright yellow tops and shorts from one of the guys who had a mate living nearby. Unfortunately it appears the kit should have been retired years ago. There was no elastic in the (very shiny) shorts, and the shirts (on some of us, ahem, larger guys) looked like crop tops. Very embarassing, a team taking to the pitch looking like some kind of "Blue Oyster" 11, some of us with belts on to try and keep the shorts up.

I wore a snood for a couple of matches last year. That was pretty embarrassing.

I stopped wearing it when it tightened round my neck, I stopped breathing and threw up on the pitch after pretty much stripping off my whole kit to unblock my airways.

Skied a penalty.....during a 5 a side match.

Came back home after being away for 2 yrs and went to watch a match, my village team was down by 2 goals with 20mins to go, when the coach saw me he quickly arranged a boot and jersey and threw me in, I've not played for abt 2 yrs so could9't really control the ball or beat my marker. I was embarrased, but I managed to score a goal from a corner kick.

I was playing in a national 5 aside tournament up at a sports center by Villa's ground. Played the first two games in goal. Last game come out , so let the guy going goal put on the trackie trousers I had been wearing and put on some shorts. First few seconds stuck the ball in the net, jumped up to celebrate in front of about 300 people just to realize boxer shorts and football shorts don't go well together. So I apologize to all the people there for the surprise of seeing my meat and two Veg

in old time and even now when we play friendly matches, the team conceding 1st goal will had to play without shirt. Once what happened is one our over fat friend fell in the wrong side and it was really an entertaining match for us.

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I went to clear the ball once, and had a complete rush of blood to the head.

I remember thinking "I'm gonna put my boot right through this". Which was not needed at all, it was a fairly soft cross and I wasnt under any pressure but I just had an overwhelming urge to smack the ball as far and hard as I could. Anyway I went for the hit and needless to say I sliced it. The ball went about 400miles directly up in the air, then the huge spin took effect and the ball sailed over the thrown in line, over some 20 foot fern trees and through someones greenhouse window.

Me and my best mate played centre-back for our school team, but were known to be a bit of a calamitous pairing so mostly played for the 'B' team. We finally made it in to 'A' team and 5 minutes in the keeper booted it upfield and as I went to header it, he came out of nowhere and cleaned me out.

The ball bounced through and the striker popped round the keeper and scored. We ended up losing 8-0 and we were told we could never play at centre back together again

In another game we lost 7-4 and I contributed 2 own goals, and was hugely at fault for another 2 goals. Was the worst match of my amateur career.

We were short for a league game so grabbed a few boys out of the local to sit on the bench (with their cans of course). One of our midfielders was injured so my mate stripped his tracky off and pleased as punch sprinted onto the pitch...........................with his shirt on back to front, number 14 on his chest. I only remind him every time I see him.