comment by Bãles left boot (U22081)
posted 15 hours, 8 minutes ago
https://images.app.goo.gl/WFHKgH4MKu9ie2mD6
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btw, it might be a co-incidence, but since i opened this link, my phone has been completely fkuced up to the extent that i can't risk turning it on as I don't know what it's going to do.

Would be embarrassing if it left someone 36 voicemails by itself

comment by TBag (U11806)
posted 7 minutes ago
Would be embarrassing if it left someone 36 voicemails by itself
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I left a series of (14) voicemail messages during the night (and deleted them before they were read) to a woman who I got on so well with when we met that she had poked me in the chest telling me i'm her husband, who I - due to my own failings - then failed to arrange a further meeting with, notwithstanding that she had told me that she wanted to see me.

Are you saying that as a result I shouldn't be allowed to ever use a phone? If not then what are you trying to say?

Was just poking fun at your 36 messages, didn't realise only 14 were voice messages

comment by FFS Dim Sum Slunk. Really man. FFS. (U22695)
posted 16 minutes ago
comment by Bãles left boot (U22081)
posted 15 hours, 8 minutes ago
https://images.app.goo.gl/WFHKgH4MKu9ie2mD6
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btw, it might be a co-incidence, but since i opened this link, my phone has been completely fkuced up to the extent that i can't risk turning it on as I don't know what it's going to do.
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opened that link on my laptop and it's fine, and i see no reason why it would cause any harm. inexplicable what's happened to my phone. there were clearly issues with the new generation wifi system at Doha airport and I can only think that it was something to do with that.

i've transfered my whatsapp on to my desktop and got my contacts off the phone. so just a question of another £170 psised away out of the blue.

comment by TBag (U11806)
posted 34 minutes ago
Was just poking fun at your 36 messages, didn't realise only 14 were voice messages
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My whole mental state over the last few days is....it's more than something to poke fun at tbh. It's something that I need help with of some kind.

the rash was just bad luck. if it wasn't for the rash, then it would have....if i'd had a fkcing shower after my oil massage, or turned the A/C on when I went to sleep that night. Aside from any other ifs, just the rash related ifs would have been enough for there to have been a different outcome.

but even with the rash, if my mental....process was not unnormal, and if I was in control of it, then there would still have been an opportunity there rash or no rash, incompetence on my part or none. At the end of the day the rash is not the issue, my lack of mental control is.

I'll send her 1 message (or possibly 1 message plus a few photos) in a week or 2, and see if anything happens.

I'll also try to learn my mental failings off by heart so that I can identify them and make every effort to address them when they materialise in future, particularly should any other opportunity of that kind ever present itself to me again and so that no others are on the receiving end of behaviour from me which is unaccceptable and potentially detrimental to them.

my main thought in sending the message to her to forget about it, was that her brother was likely causing trouble trying to get her not to see me, or otherwise making sure I had to wait, and I was going to get that cntu back by dropping a bombshell on her that was going to fkuc up their relationship.

how many levels can that be wrong on? and that's only one aspect of it. my whole mental reaction in a situation like that (the extent of the desire, impatience, over thinking, total despair) needs to be addressed and it's beyond my control.

Tbh I only dip in and out of what you're doing cos frankly you post so much here that I don't have the time, but it doesn't seem out of the ordinary compared to your usual behaviour

Do you ever think you could be a little too intense?

And the moment you get a girl like the Kenyan chick you suddenly don’t want them anymore?

comment by Edinspur (U1109)
posted 1 minute ago
Do you ever think you could be a little too intense?

And the moment you get a girl like the Kenyan chick you suddenly don’t want them anymore?
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a) way way way too intense. i mean this encounter was hugely intense anyway, but because it was me you could probably square the result of that intensity.

b) i know where you're coming from and to an extent it's true (I am far more likely to have over the top feelings for a girl i haven't been with than one that I have) but i don't think it's a significant issue. or only in one respect which is that when things aren't going well, when i'm not on top, that's when this intensity generally starts to happen. when things are going well i absolutely cruise. my obvious mental problems are much bigger though. there was no aspect at all of going off this girl. i was desperate for her, and i am certain that i would have...actually i believe we would have fallen in love very quickly if we'd got together.

comment by TBag (U11806)
posted 10 minutes ago
Tbh I only dip in and out of what you're doing cos frankly you post so much here that I don't have the time, but it doesn't seem out of the ordinary compared to your usual behaviour
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completely understandable TBag and you are of course right about the excessive posting, which itself is a function of my mental issues (and I appreciate the extent to which it is tolerated by others on here). it's not completely out of the ordinary you are right, and in fact I have had the same issues all my adult life.

Are you actively getting help with some of it? No offence but it must be exhausting to deal with

comment by TBag (U11806)
posted 6 minutes ago
Are you actively getting help with some of it? No offence but it must be exhausting to deal with
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in situations like that where I'm completely overwhelmed with desperation and despair are intensely debilitating. i can feel it physically impacting my brain if it gets too deep, and I was getting close to that a couple of times this week. I seem a lot better this evening, and I think am putting it behind me.

That sounds pretty close to the edge tho. Are you seeing a therapist or anyone to understand why these feelings are amplified and how to best handle them when they do arise?

comment by TBag (U11806)
posted 22 minutes ago
That sounds pretty close to the edge tho. Are you seeing a therapist or anyone to understand why these feelings are amplified and how to best handle them when they do arise?
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can't afford it tbh sann. i just need to learn to control myself and not be a needy brat.

That's a shame.

Unfortunately it's not as easily said as it is done

done as it is said but yes I agree that's true. it's more than just a case of getting a grip you're right. i was in that mindset 2 days ago where i could feel that i was becoming so desperate and down that it would potentially start affecting me physically as well as mentally (which I believe can be the case when you get THAT low), and that the most important thing was to get out of that mindset and find some positivity, but it IS harder said than done. You need to know HOW to do it I think, and I don't know how. It's beyond being a case of willpower. Same with the situation where I pressed self destruct and sent her a message blowing her out....I decided to do it when I was walking on the beach barely able to contain my desperation to see her (even though she had already told me that she would see me that evening only a few hours later), and as I was considering whether to do it or not I recalled another time where I did this a few years ago and recalled the months of depression that that action caused me. But still I went ahead and did it regardless.

when you blow someone out like that, it takes the power away from them for a short period. that's why. it's a release. it's a certain lose, but you get to a point - or i do anyway which is one of my issues - where i just have to take the short term release from the control that their decision making has over you.

My bad

Yeah I'm no expert but I think it's important to understand why you feel certain things so strongly, then understand the best way to cope with those things without being overwhelmed. Without the tools to be able to make the change it's just a case of trial and error and hoping you luck into it.

I think accountability is probably important too.

comment by TBag (U11806)
posted 28 minutes ago

I think accountability is probably important too.
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Unfortunately that girl chose to tell me her deepest secrets, and I am almost certain had very strong feelings for me as well, and I repaid her by having zero regard for her emotions and feelings in order to try to protect my own, and whatsmore in doing so I put the blame on her, even though she did nothing wrong, and despite the fact that I have seen with my own eyes the guilt that she can carry inside her for things that aren't her fault.

It's a sad trueism I believe that people who have the capability to be the light of each others' lives, can instead only succeed in harming one another and bringing one another pain, and in this instance my wreckless, selfish and thoughtless actions ensured that to be the case.

I did hurt her.