comment by downtheplughole (U22523)
posted 1 hour, 42 minutes ago
I went to buy new shoes and the salesman tried to sell me a pair that weren't leather. But I just wouldn't
be suede.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy: I stopped using the internet.

Murphy: Why?

Paddy: Everyone asks if I want cookies but I never get any.

Paddy sees Murphy in the pub. He says 'Listen mate, next time you are giving the missus one, it might be an idea to close the curtains before you do the deed. The whole street saw you at it last night.'

Murphy replies 'Dont be stupid. I wasn't even home last night!!'

Paddy just became the father of twins, but paddy ain't happy at all. he wants to know who the father of the other baby is..

Paddy goes for a job interview, after an hour they are so impressed with paddy they employ him on the spot.
The interviewer says paddy your wages are like this.
You get paid 20 pounds an hour for the first 6 months after that it doubles to 40 pounds. No when can you start? Paddy "in 6 months"

I pulled a nose hair out today to see if it would hurt.
Judging by the reaction the bloke asleep next to me on the bus, it f-ing does.

Chortle

Broke up with my girlfriend because she couldn't stop counting.

I wonder what she's up to now

Just seen a pensioner in the local supermarket car park collecting trolleys He must have been pushing 80

I saw someone with an arrow in his eye in A&E earlier.

When he came in, he was all aquiver.

comment by downtheplughole (U22523)
posted 10 hours, 52 minutes ago
I saw someone with an arrow in his eye in A&E earlier.

When he came in, he was all aquiver.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
take a bow

those arrows that have the wee suction pads on at the end are totally pointless

To be blunt, I agree

Man faces 100 years in jail after forcing dog to perform s ex act on him using cheese

Well that's Wallace and Gromit ruined.

Someone asked me the name of the inspector from the Pink Panther movies.

I don't have a clue, so need help.

My wife texted me saying she was breaking up with me.

Imagine how relieved I was when she messaged "sorry wrong number"

comment by Pun Atreides (U21588)
posted 45 seconds ago
My wife texted me saying she was breaking up with me.

Imagine how relieved I was when she messaged "sorry wrong number"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
snort

De ja Moo - The feeling you get when you come home to the same f-ing cow every day.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see its flat mate.

comment by downtheplughole (U22523)
posted 27 minutes ago
De ja Moo - The feeling you get when you come home to the same f-ing cow every day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lool

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:

Jane ate her friends sandwich.
Jane ate her friends colon.

Hello lad

I’m Yorkshire pudding lad now