The older generation don’t recognise mental health problems , males anyway …..in my experience
You aren’t alone …. I can assure you
comment by Optional Screen Name (U23088)
posted 5 minutes ago
Am I right to hold my parents and particularly my dad significantly responsible for my situation, and to have a grudge against him for never having offered to try to help me in any way including in the several years I've slept on his floor or sofa often in very deep depression as my life has past me by, or is my family right to laugh at me and regard me as a joke for thinking this and trying to apportion blame to my dad?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think without really knowing your situation, your family, their side of the story, what everyones intentions and expectations are, and what the actual true story is. Its tough to pass judgement.
At the end of the day, even if you have been treated badly or not helped or whatever, the only person you can expect to fix your chit is yourself.
I also find it inappropriate to talk about someone elses parent(s) out of turn.
From what you have had shared, it hasn't appeared to be a very intimate or emotionally supportive relationship. The guidance/support you have needed clearly isn't there.
comment by Blackpolespur (U9242)
posted 10 minutes ago
The older generation don’t recognise mental health problems , males anyway …..in my experience
You aren’t alone …. I can assure you
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think there is some truth in this yeah
It's more than the mental health issue though, it's the fact that I've got about £2k in life savings, no income, not much prospect of income, no pension, I'm all but 50, I've been walking round in the same rags for 3 or 4 years, I sleep on sofa cushions on their floor, I have no friends, I have nothing in my life, and they pretend it's normal and/or turn their back on it and take the view they've got everything they want in life (he actually said this recently).
Even if you can't recognise that someone under your roof has had appalling deepest depression on and off for years because you think that depression is just a question of a "bad attitude" (as my mum calls it), anybody who doesn't acknowledge the situation I've described above is just being dishonest and - in my view, irrespective of the age of their relative -neglectful.
I'm sure that my other family members know this, but it's not in their interest to point it out, but rather to reinforce his views to him.
comment by Edinspur (U1109)
posted 7 minutes ago
I also find it inappropriate to talk about someone elses parent(s) out of turn.
From what you have had shared, it hasn't appeared to be a very intimate or emotionally supportive relationship. The guidance/support you have needed clearly isn't there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks. Re your last sentence, I absolutely agree with this and to me it's clear.
They've taken the view that I'm not their problem, but I don't believe that that is reasonable.
At the very least you can say is there anything I can do to help, let's sit down and talk about things, but in god knows how many years that has never happened.
In the years I 've been looking for work, he has never once done this. When I used to try to talk about anything meaningful he would just start singing, or change the subject to the pettiest thing he could think of, or turn the tv on, or say "oh well" and walk off.
That is not normal and I believe anyone being honest around that would form that view and not constantly reinforce him that he's right and I'm a joke for thinking he's let me down.
and that's before you factor in that he's previously had a hand in fkucing up good career opportunities, through (unknown to me at the time) sparing all of about 30 seconds to tell me what's the best thing to do at vital junctures in my career (and actually other things as well, cba to go into).
but even without that anyway.
anyway, I appreciate your input, it's helpful to know how other people see it (albeit based on limited information and one person's perspective).
I feel for you genuinely
Like Edin said it’s hard to pass judgement but I get the feeling your parents are full of guilt but don’t know how to deal with that and bury it
It’s easier to do that than admit they messed up their son but behind closed doors they probably beat themselves up
In all honesty your description of yourself reminds me of myself 20 years ago (I’m not far from 50 myself) but things can quickly change but don’t rely on others to do make it happen ….it must be you
The simple thing of getting back to work changed it all for me …from reading your posts you sound like you are out of work ? Get back to routine 9-5 , meet new people and it will click
Fack me I’ve gone all serious on a Friday night
you're right about work.
i've known for years that that's the key.
i've been looking for years. from 2017-2023 I sent nearly 1,500 email enquiries, plus whatever I applied for online and not got a job.
In the last 3 months or so I've applied to 150 jobs.
I am discussing a couple of things at the moment, so just have to hope one of those drops.
I was in a very good position 15 years ago, but for various reasons (industry dynamic and roles changing, my reputation getting shot to pieces after some politics in a firm I'd done very well for, and a couple of bad decisions on my part), my career now has a 10+ years hole in it, and most people look at that and press delete after about 5 seconds. It is very hard to turn it round and the longer it goes on the harder it gets to turn it round.
I have recently substantially lowered my expectation of salary and position recently (whilst still applying for some better jobs as well), but not paid off so far.
Will see what happens.
They don't accept blame btw mate Not at all, not ever. It is their keystone, their number 1 unshakeable rule, that they are not in any way to blame for my situation. It is impossible for them to see any blame whatever is presented to them, even if they ever acknowledge I'm in an usual or bad situation which itself is very very rare.
Anyway, thanks again for the input which is appreciated.
comment by Peks - Comanche Moon (U6618)
posted 10 minutes ago
are you in any debt J ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
no, no debt.
although without a job i'll be completely out of funds in a few months, even just spending c£60 a week as I have been for the last few months.
hopefully I'll land something soon.
As Blackpole said these things can turn round out of nowhere. I've drifted a long way down river looking for my exit though and the falls are getting louder!!!!! (ooo, the suspense).
Only point worth highlighting as well, is you genuinely believed that my fictitious cousin and me got you kicked out of Uni & then subsequently I had a friend steal your jacket on a ski resort.
Just to emphasise that sometimes its worth taking a step back, removing bias from a scenario you are experiencing - then reprocessing everything questioning a few of your assumptions before proceeding.
well she did get me kicked off the course!
but yes I did believe she was your cousin and that he knew the guy who stole my ski jacket. that is true.
and whilst I take the point, and don't think it's necessarily completely irrelevant to some of my other thought processes generally in life, I'm not sure quite how it could be relevant here.
comment by Optional Screen Name (U23088)
posted 3 minutes ago
comment by Peks - Comanche Moon (U6618)
posted 10 minutes ago
are you in any debt J ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
no, no debt.
although without a job i'll be completely out of funds in a few months, even just spending c£60 a week as I have been for the last few months.
hopefully I'll land something soon.
As Blackpole said these things can turn round out of nowhere. I've drifted a long way down river looking for my exit though and the falls are getting louder!!!!! (ooo, the suspense).
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I’d go to a temp job agency , I did that , have no salary expectations and just take something in an office ….get back in a regular routine
You can’t fail to get a job with an agency
Sounds to me that will start you off …..give you self worth with some sort of regular income
Meeting new people in offices , even doing a shat job, will lift you ….then go from there
Chin up my friend ….all is never lost
comment by Optional Screen Name (U23088)
posted 6 minutes ago
well she did get me kicked off the course!
but yes I did believe she was your cousin and that he knew the guy who stole my ski jacket. that is true.
and whilst I take the point, and don't think it's necessarily completely irrelevant to some of my other thought processes generally in life, I'm not sure quite how it could be relevant here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The relevance is that your words make it seem like "them vs you", maybe there are instances where olive branches have been offered and you misconstrued it. Or maybe you are misunderstanding the person and expecting him to offer you more whereas he is doing the best he can.
There used to be a row of agencies in Birmingham. You walked past and looked at the ads on the board outside and in the window, and if they had something you thought you could do, you just walked in and waited to sit down with someone and go through your cv.
You can't do it now. You have to have an appointment.
I suppose there's nothing stopping me from making an appointment though in fairness.
The other excuse I have is that I don't have a car (not allowed to use theirs) and public transport's shocking where I am. That said, I could get in and out at the start and end of the working day by train so it is manageable even if it's a bit of a haul, and no actual reason why I can't do this.
I'll give it another week or so with what I've applied for.
I dont know if you have done this tactic for jobs.
But in the job description include every word for the job that is important, in white text in your CV at the end of each of your sentences.
This means the AI picks up on the buzzwords but the recruiter/employer misses it.
comment by Edinspur (U1109)
posted 35 seconds ago
comment by Optional Screen Name (U23088)
posted 6 minutes ago
well she did get me kicked off the course!
but yes I did believe she was your cousin and that he knew the guy who stole my ski jacket. that is true.
and whilst I take the point, and don't think it's necessarily completely irrelevant to some of my other thought processes generally in life, I'm not sure quite how it could be relevant here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The relevance is that your words make it seem like "them vs you", maybe there are instances where olive branches have been offered and you misconstrued it. Or maybe you are misunderstanding the person and expecting him to offer you more whereas he is doing the best he can.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There haven't been olive branches.
There are olive branches in so far as I'll get you some fish and chips or sometimes a curry.
But no as in let's sit down and see if we can talk through any of your problems. They simply do not want to know, and there has never at any point been any time when they did. My mum yes until a few years ago. Last time I remember she said to my dad that everyone used to say I was exceptionally bright and that they thought I'd be very successful, and he stood up and started shout singing "WILL YOU STILL BELIEVE IT WHEN HE'S DEAD?" over and again.
In terms of the best he can, there are definitely things he could have done to help. Some involving money, but actually mostly not. Just being there to bounce things off, or sparing a bit of time to look into things with me etc. Giving me some support with that issue on the course and saying look you've done nothing here, you should fight it rather than walking away, or afterwards saying that's what you wanted to do, give it another go. Or whatever. loads and loads of things.
All he's done is bought me fish and chips and let me sleep on the floor. That is not all he could have done. At the very very least he could have asked is there anything I can do, but he never has done.
It can definitely be valid that you've not had the support you would like and also that it's not useful to blame that lack of support for the state of your life. You're a grown, apparently intelligent, well travelled man. Sooner or later you need to take some ownership
comment by Edinspur (U1109)
posted 5 minutes ago
I dont know if you have done this tactic for jobs.
But in the job description include every word for the job that is important, in white text in your CV at the end of each of your sentences.
This means the AI picks up on the buzzwords but the recruiter/employer misses it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
oh wow!
fantastic tip, thanks
But the man himself may think that giving his adult son a place to lay for free is suffice.
I don't have an opinion on the matter, I'm playing devils advacado and suggesting scenarios which may help towards your own experience(s).
does that work in PDF, or just Word out of interest?
Avocado is totally overrated
Don't submit PDF resumes, they're awful for formatting issues on the receiving end. Word doc only. That's the advice I got from the recruitment person in my company anyway
I've never done it as I haven't needed to, think its called whiteboxing or saink
comment by BãleČ™ left boot (U22081)
posted 23 seconds ago
Avocado is totally overrated
Don't submit PDF resumes, they're awful for formatting issues on the receiving end. Word doc only. That's the advice I got from the recruitment person in my company anyway
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Makes sense
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Page 43044 of 43112
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posted on 4/10/24
The older generation don’t recognise mental health problems , males anyway …..in my experience
You aren’t alone …. I can assure you
posted on 4/10/24
comment by Optional Screen Name (U23088)
posted 5 minutes ago
Am I right to hold my parents and particularly my dad significantly responsible for my situation, and to have a grudge against him for never having offered to try to help me in any way including in the several years I've slept on his floor or sofa often in very deep depression as my life has past me by, or is my family right to laugh at me and regard me as a joke for thinking this and trying to apportion blame to my dad?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think without really knowing your situation, your family, their side of the story, what everyones intentions and expectations are, and what the actual true story is. Its tough to pass judgement.
posted on 4/10/24
At the end of the day, even if you have been treated badly or not helped or whatever, the only person you can expect to fix your chit is yourself.
posted on 4/10/24
I also find it inappropriate to talk about someone elses parent(s) out of turn.
From what you have had shared, it hasn't appeared to be a very intimate or emotionally supportive relationship. The guidance/support you have needed clearly isn't there.
posted on 4/10/24
comment by Blackpolespur (U9242)
posted 10 minutes ago
The older generation don’t recognise mental health problems , males anyway …..in my experience
You aren’t alone …. I can assure you
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think there is some truth in this yeah
It's more than the mental health issue though, it's the fact that I've got about £2k in life savings, no income, not much prospect of income, no pension, I'm all but 50, I've been walking round in the same rags for 3 or 4 years, I sleep on sofa cushions on their floor, I have no friends, I have nothing in my life, and they pretend it's normal and/or turn their back on it and take the view they've got everything they want in life (he actually said this recently).
Even if you can't recognise that someone under your roof has had appalling deepest depression on and off for years because you think that depression is just a question of a "bad attitude" (as my mum calls it), anybody who doesn't acknowledge the situation I've described above is just being dishonest and - in my view, irrespective of the age of their relative -neglectful.
I'm sure that my other family members know this, but it's not in their interest to point it out, but rather to reinforce his views to him.
posted on 4/10/24
comment by Edinspur (U1109)
posted 7 minutes ago
I also find it inappropriate to talk about someone elses parent(s) out of turn.
From what you have had shared, it hasn't appeared to be a very intimate or emotionally supportive relationship. The guidance/support you have needed clearly isn't there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks. Re your last sentence, I absolutely agree with this and to me it's clear.
They've taken the view that I'm not their problem, but I don't believe that that is reasonable.
At the very least you can say is there anything I can do to help, let's sit down and talk about things, but in god knows how many years that has never happened.
In the years I 've been looking for work, he has never once done this. When I used to try to talk about anything meaningful he would just start singing, or change the subject to the pettiest thing he could think of, or turn the tv on, or say "oh well" and walk off.
That is not normal and I believe anyone being honest around that would form that view and not constantly reinforce him that he's right and I'm a joke for thinking he's let me down.
posted on 4/10/24
and that's before you factor in that he's previously had a hand in fkucing up good career opportunities, through (unknown to me at the time) sparing all of about 30 seconds to tell me what's the best thing to do at vital junctures in my career (and actually other things as well, cba to go into).
but even without that anyway.
anyway, I appreciate your input, it's helpful to know how other people see it (albeit based on limited information and one person's perspective).
posted on 4/10/24
are you in any debt J ?
posted on 4/10/24
I feel for you genuinely
Like Edin said it’s hard to pass judgement but I get the feeling your parents are full of guilt but don’t know how to deal with that and bury it
It’s easier to do that than admit they messed up their son but behind closed doors they probably beat themselves up
In all honesty your description of yourself reminds me of myself 20 years ago (I’m not far from 50 myself) but things can quickly change but don’t rely on others to do make it happen ….it must be you
The simple thing of getting back to work changed it all for me …from reading your posts you sound like you are out of work ? Get back to routine 9-5 , meet new people and it will click
Fack me I’ve gone all serious on a Friday night
posted on 4/10/24
you're right about work.
i've known for years that that's the key.
i've been looking for years. from 2017-2023 I sent nearly 1,500 email enquiries, plus whatever I applied for online and not got a job.
In the last 3 months or so I've applied to 150 jobs.
I am discussing a couple of things at the moment, so just have to hope one of those drops.
I was in a very good position 15 years ago, but for various reasons (industry dynamic and roles changing, my reputation getting shot to pieces after some politics in a firm I'd done very well for, and a couple of bad decisions on my part), my career now has a 10+ years hole in it, and most people look at that and press delete after about 5 seconds. It is very hard to turn it round and the longer it goes on the harder it gets to turn it round.
I have recently substantially lowered my expectation of salary and position recently (whilst still applying for some better jobs as well), but not paid off so far.
Will see what happens.
They don't accept blame btw mate Not at all, not ever. It is their keystone, their number 1 unshakeable rule, that they are not in any way to blame for my situation. It is impossible for them to see any blame whatever is presented to them, even if they ever acknowledge I'm in an usual or bad situation which itself is very very rare.
Anyway, thanks again for the input which is appreciated.
posted on 4/10/24
comment by Peks - Comanche Moon (U6618)
posted 10 minutes ago
are you in any debt J ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
no, no debt.
although without a job i'll be completely out of funds in a few months, even just spending c£60 a week as I have been for the last few months.
hopefully I'll land something soon.
As Blackpole said these things can turn round out of nowhere. I've drifted a long way down river looking for my exit though and the falls are getting louder!!!!! (ooo, the suspense).
posted on 4/10/24
Only point worth highlighting as well, is you genuinely believed that my fictitious cousin and me got you kicked out of Uni & then subsequently I had a friend steal your jacket on a ski resort.
Just to emphasise that sometimes its worth taking a step back, removing bias from a scenario you are experiencing - then reprocessing everything questioning a few of your assumptions before proceeding.
posted on 4/10/24
well she did get me kicked off the course!
but yes I did believe she was your cousin and that he knew the guy who stole my ski jacket. that is true.
and whilst I take the point, and don't think it's necessarily completely irrelevant to some of my other thought processes generally in life, I'm not sure quite how it could be relevant here.
posted on 4/10/24
comment by Optional Screen Name (U23088)
posted 3 minutes ago
comment by Peks - Comanche Moon (U6618)
posted 10 minutes ago
are you in any debt J ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
no, no debt.
although without a job i'll be completely out of funds in a few months, even just spending c£60 a week as I have been for the last few months.
hopefully I'll land something soon.
As Blackpole said these things can turn round out of nowhere. I've drifted a long way down river looking for my exit though and the falls are getting louder!!!!! (ooo, the suspense).
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I’d go to a temp job agency , I did that , have no salary expectations and just take something in an office ….get back in a regular routine
You can’t fail to get a job with an agency
Sounds to me that will start you off …..give you self worth with some sort of regular income
Meeting new people in offices , even doing a shat job, will lift you ….then go from there
Chin up my friend ….all is never lost
posted on 4/10/24
comment by Optional Screen Name (U23088)
posted 6 minutes ago
well she did get me kicked off the course!
but yes I did believe she was your cousin and that he knew the guy who stole my ski jacket. that is true.
and whilst I take the point, and don't think it's necessarily completely irrelevant to some of my other thought processes generally in life, I'm not sure quite how it could be relevant here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The relevance is that your words make it seem like "them vs you", maybe there are instances where olive branches have been offered and you misconstrued it. Or maybe you are misunderstanding the person and expecting him to offer you more whereas he is doing the best he can.
posted on 4/10/24
There used to be a row of agencies in Birmingham. You walked past and looked at the ads on the board outside and in the window, and if they had something you thought you could do, you just walked in and waited to sit down with someone and go through your cv.
You can't do it now. You have to have an appointment.
I suppose there's nothing stopping me from making an appointment though in fairness.
The other excuse I have is that I don't have a car (not allowed to use theirs) and public transport's shocking where I am. That said, I could get in and out at the start and end of the working day by train so it is manageable even if it's a bit of a haul, and no actual reason why I can't do this.
I'll give it another week or so with what I've applied for.
posted on 4/10/24
I dont know if you have done this tactic for jobs.
But in the job description include every word for the job that is important, in white text in your CV at the end of each of your sentences.
This means the AI picks up on the buzzwords but the recruiter/employer misses it.
posted on 4/10/24
comment by Edinspur (U1109)
posted 35 seconds ago
comment by Optional Screen Name (U23088)
posted 6 minutes ago
well she did get me kicked off the course!
but yes I did believe she was your cousin and that he knew the guy who stole my ski jacket. that is true.
and whilst I take the point, and don't think it's necessarily completely irrelevant to some of my other thought processes generally in life, I'm not sure quite how it could be relevant here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The relevance is that your words make it seem like "them vs you", maybe there are instances where olive branches have been offered and you misconstrued it. Or maybe you are misunderstanding the person and expecting him to offer you more whereas he is doing the best he can.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There haven't been olive branches.
There are olive branches in so far as I'll get you some fish and chips or sometimes a curry.
But no as in let's sit down and see if we can talk through any of your problems. They simply do not want to know, and there has never at any point been any time when they did. My mum yes until a few years ago. Last time I remember she said to my dad that everyone used to say I was exceptionally bright and that they thought I'd be very successful, and he stood up and started shout singing "WILL YOU STILL BELIEVE IT WHEN HE'S DEAD?" over and again.
In terms of the best he can, there are definitely things he could have done to help. Some involving money, but actually mostly not. Just being there to bounce things off, or sparing a bit of time to look into things with me etc. Giving me some support with that issue on the course and saying look you've done nothing here, you should fight it rather than walking away, or afterwards saying that's what you wanted to do, give it another go. Or whatever. loads and loads of things.
All he's done is bought me fish and chips and let me sleep on the floor. That is not all he could have done. At the very very least he could have asked is there anything I can do, but he never has done.
posted on 4/10/24
It can definitely be valid that you've not had the support you would like and also that it's not useful to blame that lack of support for the state of your life. You're a grown, apparently intelligent, well travelled man. Sooner or later you need to take some ownership
posted on 4/10/24
comment by Edinspur (U1109)
posted 5 minutes ago
I dont know if you have done this tactic for jobs.
But in the job description include every word for the job that is important, in white text in your CV at the end of each of your sentences.
This means the AI picks up on the buzzwords but the recruiter/employer misses it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
oh wow!
fantastic tip, thanks
posted on 4/10/24
But the man himself may think that giving his adult son a place to lay for free is suffice.
I don't have an opinion on the matter, I'm playing devils advacado and suggesting scenarios which may help towards your own experience(s).
posted on 4/10/24
does that work in PDF, or just Word out of interest?
posted on 4/10/24
Avocado is totally overrated
Don't submit PDF resumes, they're awful for formatting issues on the receiving end. Word doc only. That's the advice I got from the recruitment person in my company anyway
posted on 4/10/24
I've never done it as I haven't needed to, think its called whiteboxing or saink
posted on 4/10/24
comment by BãleČ™ left boot (U22081)
posted 23 seconds ago
Avocado is totally overrated
Don't submit PDF resumes, they're awful for formatting issues on the receiving end. Word doc only. That's the advice I got from the recruitment person in my company anyway
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Makes sense
Page 43044 of 43112
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