Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?
Because they're working around the clock.

What's the similarity between Boris Johnson and the clapper on Big Ben?
They're both massive bell-ends.

comment by downtheplughole (U22523)
posted 1 day, 6 hours ago
Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?
Because they're working around the clock.

What's the similarity between Boris Johnson and the clapper on Big Ben?
They're both massive bell-ends.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
That last one is a pure statement of fact!

You won't get a medal for laying in bed every day. But you might get a-trophy!

lying*

Someone on my street goes house to house, leaving severed body parts on our doorsteps.

He gives me the willies.

Who the hell lets off fireworks in October?

My poor dog is cowering under the Christmas tree.

comment by Clockwork Red: KindUgarten Cop (U4892)
posted 1 minute ago
Who the hell lets off fireworks in October?

My poor dog is cowering under the Christmas tree.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Your dog is actually a chicken.

This bloke came up to me insisting he used to be an 80s pop star


He was absolutely adamant about it

comment by Sheriff JW Pepper (U1007)
posted 4 minutes ago
This bloke came up to me insisting he used to be an 80s pop star


He was absolutely adamant about it
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Acknowledged

There’s a new manager started at my work that has been given the nickname Sneaky Bacon.

The bloke’s name is Mr. Cunningham.

I've just drunk a whole bottle of Invisible ink.

I'm currently in A&E, waiting to be seen!

comment by downtheplughole (U22523)
posted 1 hour, 28 minutes ago
I've just drunk a whole bottle of Invisible ink.

I'm currently in A&E, waiting to be seen!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You need to go to the ICU

comment by Pun (U21588)
posted 1 hour, 27 minutes ago
comment by downtheplughole (U22523)
posted 1 hour, 28 minutes ago
I've just drunk a whole bottle of Invisible ink.

I'm currently in A&E, waiting to be seen!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You need to go to the ICU
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If they offer an xray...don't go it's a trap

Why did the transgender man only eat salad?

Because he was a her before.

comment by Ruben The King Amorim Tim Tagi Dim (U10026)
posted 11 minutes ago
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?

Because he was a her before.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

He's now got his meat supplement

“You over there, give me an example of a pronoun.”
“Who, me?”

“Correct. Well done.”

comment by Pun (U21588)
posted 6 hours, 44 minutes ago
comment by downtheplughole (U22523)
posted 1 hour, 28 minutes ago
I've just drunk a whole bottle of Invisible ink.

I'm currently in A&E, waiting to be seen!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You need to go to the ICU
----------------------------------------------------------------------

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives
The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

Two silk worms are in a wrestling match
It ended in a tie.

I auditioned for the lead part in a silent version of Oliver Twist and I got it? It’s brilliant, I can’t ask for more.

“Mum, did you want a boy or a girl?”
“I just wanted a back rub”

Chris Martin is okay!
It's just a stage he's going through.

All acknowledged

Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey had an idea Quadrophenia would be made into a film 6 years after the album release

Who knew